Laced with pain

Funny, huh? What started as an exciting month could not have had a better anticlimax. God, you know what I mean.

There are so many things I want to know. What is love? I thought I knew it but maybe I do not anymore. I have a utopian curse. That sickness which makes one believe in the impossible. My hope is really senseless- a zealot without a mind; you have too much faith in good.

And what is pain? Why can’t I just throw it away? It puts me in a strong grapple and never wants to let go till I give in and give of the dew of my heart.

I want to know. I want to understand.

That night I walked away, I knew something was not right. I walked that upward winding road alone, with thoughts raining like cats and dogs in my mind. I often looked up at the dark night, the moon…was it present? I forget. I was not in a hurry, I just walked. One or two boda bodas stopped to ask if I was going and I said no. They continued on their way.

All the houses I passed by were in fences, no idea what the other side was. Reminds me of you; walking this road- were you a house to look at and admire or was I supposed to stop, ring the bell and wait to be let in? I may have known a part of you, but did I know what was behind that gate of silence?

The sky was very clear that night that I left.

I wish…

Work’s moving. Every new day, a new skill comes into my possession and I am proud of it. Feels great to be learning.

But isn’t love the flavour of life? I can imagine gaining everything there is to gain without a person to call love, without a friend, a brother, a boo. It would all be useless.

After some point I began sloping. The road became busy. Traffic was bumper to bumper- very vivid was the red that night. I walked past pubs, restaurants, men preparing t.v chicken and pork and roadside fried and roasted meats. The aroma was enticing but I left it unattended to, I would soon get home and eat something proper.

Eat something proper- very much like choosing who to love. I think we decide who we fall in love with, it is never an accident. It may start like a lonely drip of the morning dew on a flower upon the stone below it, but every morning that drip breaks the resistance of the stone and soon it may turn into soil.

We choose.

So, I did choose. I left all the enticing aromas on the roadside and hoped to get at home and eat something worthwhile but when I did get home, there was nothing. My tummy was saying all sorts of protestations and curses because I had left “good ready stuff” back on the road and now there was nothing here.

All this while, there’s a mirror called my mind. I reflect and wonder whether the choice I made was worthwhile. I think it was. A choice to wait for something better, a choice to love what may not be at hand but a hope….That there made me the crazy man- love without a promise. It sure is hard but I am confident it was the right thing to do.

I told you that many will call me crazy, you too called me crazy – it is not something I deny. I am not going to become disdainful, no,I will remain grounded on the greatest there is- love.

These are my words,

PH.

On the soul replay- For You- Kenny Lattimore

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5 thoughts on “Laced with pain

  1. We do choose in a way who we love. And in other ways, we cannot choose. People mess up all the time - it does not mean that love is any less powerful or important.

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