It’s a way of trying to hide; like the way I use “we” to indicate my hope that it’s not only I with these weaknesses. I am not the only one with these weaknesses but many times it feels like I am. It feels like the world wasn’t ready when I showed up on her doorstep. The abandoned child of fate that must be given a place to live.
Maybe you get it, maybe you don’t.
Every once in a while it seems like the world forgets.
“Oh, there’s Nev too!”
And then she quickly throws a few clothes in the bag and some lunch and says, “Here you go! It will take you for a week”. Before and after that you’re fasting. It’s the cool way of saying you were hungry without options for food. You were walking naked but threw some paint on and called it body-art so that you wouldn’t seem like one of those inconvenient madmen- the scum of the Earth of Koestler.
For a long time, I would take to the notebook to forget it by inking it but it’s been too heavy to put in print lately. So I think it off, heave it off, sigh it off; hope by some osmosis, it would turn into smoke and rest in the heavens.
It never works though. After sometime, the smoke augurs into black clouds and delivers a very generous downpour upon my roofless space.
The world has fast forwarded several times while I tried to catch up with the tune. I ended up dancing obliquely and always the last to leave the stage. The world sometimes remembered, and I was on time for appointments but it was a matter of time before she forgot again.
It’s not a rat race when you’re an insect.
So everyone’s asking their present questions when you’re a few years before their present. When are you getting married? No kids? Still that side?
For a moment it was very pressing until I realised time had stopped ticking.
I look up and realise He put me on a different schedule, Nanny world was never meant to be my mother. I remember again, my life was lost and lost all sense of time. The only thing that made sense was knowing Him.
I didn’t want to accept I had lost that life. I wanted to keep it and tug at nanny world. There was no life there though. Only more loss even when it looked like gain.
Catching up, I came to see, had nothing to do with him or her or me.
Gal 4:19 My children, for whom I again travail until Christ should be formed in you,